Birthdays

Today was my birthday; Tuesday is M's. I have a longstanding tradition of crying on my birthdays. This year is apparently going to be no different. I thought it was going to be relatively unimportant "crying" - being upset at how the Redskins game ended (we were robbed!) but really, nothing big in the scheme of things.

Then, my stepmom called. She was on the way back from the hospital (immediately, I thought something was wrong with my dad). My uncle, my dad's sister's husband, had a heart attack and had be medivaced from one hospital to a better one. He's been supposed to have heart surgery for awhile, but has been too weak to survive it. He and my aunt both have a lot of health issues; I feel so bad for them. They did an angioplasty I guess and cleared some of the blockages, and now it's waiting for the cardiologist tomorrow. I assume he's in the same cardio ICU where my dad and aunt's mother went when she had her heart attack, that was essentially the same as a stroke; she languished in a nursing home for a couple years before dying, never recovering. My poor family, going in there. My aunt's son is several states away and not in a job that he can easily afford time off; her daughter is at a conference on the other side of the country and they haven't been able to reach her yet. I hope my uncle recovers well. The one upside to this is that it might help bring my dad and my aunt close again.

After I got off the phone and had a little time to think about it, it made me think about my future. One day, M or I is going to get really sick. I might have to take him to the ER with a heart attack, and spend the night in the hospital praying I get him back. Or he may be praying at my bedside. If we're lucky, we'll both stay free of serious, life-threatening illness until the other person is too senile to know it.

I'm also generally feeling sorry for myself today. Half of it is because of the surgery recovery; I'm still bleeding/leaking exudate constantly, to the point of having to change clothes repeatedly over the course of the day. This is expected and I know it means I'm healing...but it still sucks. Two weeks down, another month and a half or so to go. *sigh*

The other half is because of my mommy issues. The short version is she abandoned me as a baby, came back into my life several years ago, then proceeded to abandon me again. And now is acting like she's a victim. She's been around for exactly one birthday; she's been gone for 27 of them. And yes, I know I'm better off, that the way she's lived her life would have been toxic for me, and I have a stepmother that's been around since 1st grade who IS my mother. But my heart just can't buy in to what my rational brain knows.

Of course, lots of things about this weekend have been nice (not the least of which is Bama beating UF. ROLL TIDE!). My mother in law is here, and she and I went to Target Thursday and bought a lot of stuff we needed for the house, as well as birthday and Christmas presents. It's not about how much she spent (a lot) but the fact that she wanted so much to do things for us (and me, who isn't her blood and hasn't produced a grandchild yet). My father in law also called, as did my sister in law. Lots of friends and acquaintances wished me well. So there's lots of good...but right now what's important is my uncle.

Get better soon, Uncle Bob. I love you.