Best of 09 - Day 24

  
    
  
 December 24 Learning experience. What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?

I keep wanting to apologize for writing about the wedding and being married and M all the time...but then, the blog IS called Learning to Live Together for a reason, right? My experience adjusting is the primary point, right? Right?

I think the biggest lesson I've learned, then, is that marriage is work. I don't know why that surprised me; I've seen that my dad and stepmom's marriage isn't all butterflies and unicorns. I mean, I knew that people say it's work, but I guess despite being able to repeat "marriage takes work" I didn't really buy in to it. I admit I had a bit of a romantic notion that love alone would be enough (well, love, and M having a job that pays the bills...). And the ugly, disappointing truth is that it's not.

Things get boring. And it takes work to try to do things to counteract that (see: M's birthday, earlier this month). Anyone you live with, especially when you share all your spaces (as opposed to a roommate) is going to do things that annoy you, and it's work to keep your irritation in check, and to discuss rationally the things you need to. Hell, it's "work" to bring yourself to say "I'm sorry" first. And sometimes, to take an "I'm sorry" when you're really angry and want to wallow in it a little bit longer. It's work just to maintain a household. The cleaning, the bills, agreeing on what goes where...it's all just not as easy as saying "I love you", moving in, and living happily ever after.

Sometimes it takes "work" - a conscious effort - to make sure there's times and activities where you can have fun together, where you can bond, where you can break up the monotony that so easily sets in when you're tired and stressed. It's a concerted effort to make sure you say "thank you" to let the other person know you appreciate the nice, helpful little things they do (like walking all the dogs, or doing the dishes, or taking out the trash). It's easy to start to feel like you're the one that does everythi8ng around the house or pays all the bills and like you're not appreciated. So it's really nice to hear it, and at a basic level, being told something is appreciated is the best positive reinforcement to get someone to do something again.

It's work to fight, its work to make up, I even say it's work to have fun! sheesh. But there's rewards for all that work, and that's why we do it.