learning how to grieve

I've been a very bad blogger since my mother died, and I guess its because Im overwhelmed with things I need to express. I'm unable to cry, though i frequently feel the need to. Rarely do I sleep more than 2 hours at a time. My body is breaking down in the process, and the house isnt as well cared for as it was a month ago.

I'll try to hit some of the "high points" before my brain simply shuts down and refuses to let me think about it. The whole thing is a mess - both the facts of what actually happened, and what I'm feeling. None of it makes a damn bit of sense and really sounds more like a Lifetime movie.

My mother's sister died on the 12th of a heart attack. She'd been on methadone for pain and other painkillers, and cared for by her father and stepmother. On the 15th or 16th, the stepmother offered the remainder of the methadone and pills to my mother. Yes, offered methadone toa a drug addict. My mother was high as a kite on the evening of the 16th, and her husband didnt know why (didnt know she'd been given such dangerous medication). She was found dead on the 17th. That methadone, in combination with other sedatives, has been determined to be the cause of death. I'm livid, and following up with the police. My mother was using again, but if she hadn't had methadone in the house, she would have at least seen the next morning.

It's strange how life goes on afterwards. The facbeook comments stop, people who know stop asking how you are when you talk to them, and everyone forgets. Except me, her husband, and maybe my sister. I feel guilt for my role in limiting our relationship, especially when I pushed her away recently because I was dealing with other things. I'm angry at her for the way she lived her life, and the decision to take the methadone and ultiamtely use it - and then Im guilty for that. Im full of regret for the relationship we can never have, the answers I can never get. The wondering why, what made her start using again, did it have to do with me? Confused by the woman with  angelic singing voice, who could be so caring and kind and good with kids, but could also abandon her own children repeatedly and tell cruel lies to them. I'm sad that she made it this far, was off the drugs for awhile, went to rehab 3 times (but never stayed) and noooow finally succumbs...and because a family member provided her with the means.

we had a memorial, informally...it was a mess. some relatives on that side are not good people. there was no real funeral, no grave...and for me, i think that makes things feel even more left undone.

i never had real experiencce with grief before. grandparents died only after being sick for a long time; some of them were so far from themselves that the death was a relief. nobody close to me has died suddenly, and certainly not like this. im not, by nature or as a result of having been abandoned as a baby, good at letting go of anything really, certainly not a figure this important in my life. i keep thinking "oh, she'd like this song" or wanting to talk to her and remembering I cant. I want to ask her questions about what happened for a moment before remembering i cant. its horribly uncomfortable, and i dont know if ive ever felt this kind of alone before.