I think I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. I went to law school, but I haven't passed the bar, so I'm not a lawyer. I'm really social work oriented, but I'm not sure I can use my JD there. I'm interested in getting a master's in public administration, but that means more debt.. Really, I'd love to get a masters of social work, but it won't increase my earning potential, and again, that means more debt.
At the same time, I don't know yet how my body would react to having a normal job. I think I'll be ok, but it's a little bit scary. I really need a job though; I've got credit card and medical bills out the wazoo. M doesn't really have any money to help me after our housing related bills like the mortgage and electricity. And I want to work; being home all the time I get bored and it makes me feel a little more down.
I'm trying to figure out this whole homemaker thing, and thinking about motherhood. In some ways it makes sense to have a baby while I'm home anyway; on the other hand, babies are expensive. M doesn't feel ready. We're tentatively planning to start trying next summer, but I suspect he might stall when it gets closer.
So basically, I don't know who I am. Am I a stay at home wife, eventually mother? Am I a lawyer, a social worker, or something else? How do I want my life to go? I don't know the answers to any of these questions, and I'm not a person that tolerates being in limbo well. I need to find another volunteer op to keep myself busy, but I worry about things getting done on the homefront if I spend dthe day working; when I get home, there wouldn't be much time and wouldn't be much energy left to do things like vacuum every day, pick up after M, make dinner, etc.
So yeah, I don't know.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
I'm becoming my father
Both my father and father in law are OCD neat freaks. Growing up, I was a total slob. Always had glasses laying around growing mold; in college a pile of clothes just moved between my bed and the floor. Food everywhere, things getting wet and growing organisms, just generally a mess, both clutterwise and unsanitariness (is that a word?).
Now, I'm kind of obsessed with cleaning. It bothers me when I can see clumps of dog fur on the floor (and there's always clumps...even right after I vacuum). I hate when M leaves his clothes in the bathroom or doesn't put trash in the trash or dirty dishes in the sink. Smudges on the patio door or glass tabletops. Chaos in the house bothers me. My father in law was here the day before thanksgiving and just got back today. We cleaned up some of M's clutter in the garage where the tools and fishing gear are. We put up most of the hanging things that needed to be screwed into the wall - curtain rods, a shower curtain rod. I felt soooo much better with all that stuff in its place, nice and neat.
Im not nearly as anal about it as the fathers, but I'm definetely so much different than I was even a couple years ago. My dad is so bad about it that I know Ill never meet his expectations, but at least he doesnt feel like crawling out of his skin in my place. I was running around like a madwoman this morning before father in law arrived, trying to bake cookies, do some laundry, vacuum, put M's messed away. I don't like that feeling, like there's 50 things I need to do RIGHT NOW. But I'll deal.
As far as turning into my dad, I've also found myself making jokes my dad would make. Really cheesy jokes. Ive also inherited his guilt comples, of feeling guilty for things that aren't my fault. We're both overly concerned with other people's feelings, to the point of regularly hurting ourselves to protect other people.
I've probably been the least multimedia blogger around. People like big shiny pictures; nobody really wants to read just plain text on te computer. So, Ill throw in a pic of me and my dad. Enjoy!
Now, I'm kind of obsessed with cleaning. It bothers me when I can see clumps of dog fur on the floor (and there's always clumps...even right after I vacuum). I hate when M leaves his clothes in the bathroom or doesn't put trash in the trash or dirty dishes in the sink. Smudges on the patio door or glass tabletops. Chaos in the house bothers me. My father in law was here the day before thanksgiving and just got back today. We cleaned up some of M's clutter in the garage where the tools and fishing gear are. We put up most of the hanging things that needed to be screwed into the wall - curtain rods, a shower curtain rod. I felt soooo much better with all that stuff in its place, nice and neat.
Im not nearly as anal about it as the fathers, but I'm definetely so much different than I was even a couple years ago. My dad is so bad about it that I know Ill never meet his expectations, but at least he doesnt feel like crawling out of his skin in my place. I was running around like a madwoman this morning before father in law arrived, trying to bake cookies, do some laundry, vacuum, put M's messed away. I don't like that feeling, like there's 50 things I need to do RIGHT NOW. But I'll deal.
As far as turning into my dad, I've also found myself making jokes my dad would make. Really cheesy jokes. Ive also inherited his guilt comples, of feeling guilty for things that aren't my fault. We're both overly concerned with other people's feelings, to the point of regularly hurting ourselves to protect other people.
I've probably been the least multimedia blogger around. People like big shiny pictures; nobody really wants to read just plain text on te computer. So, Ill throw in a pic of me and my dad. Enjoy!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Lord grant me strength to deal with days like this,
where every step is excruciating from surgery, as is sitting up
where as a result I have no sympathy for my husband claiming he's too sick to do anything but play video games
where I have a stack of medical bills sitting next to me, and two bills I paid that still got sent to collections
where Buck vomits all over the living room while Judy poops in the kitchen
where there's sure to be a fight over how to obtain dinner, since neither of us feels up to going anywhere and the kitchen is empty
where I have to clean like a mad woman, despite the pain, because my father in law will get here tonight
where I'm just plain frustrated and overwhelmed and irritable
I must find the strength to cope, to control myself so I don't create more problems. I'm not good at such things.
where every step is excruciating from surgery, as is sitting up
where as a result I have no sympathy for my husband claiming he's too sick to do anything but play video games
where I have a stack of medical bills sitting next to me, and two bills I paid that still got sent to collections
where Buck vomits all over the living room while Judy poops in the kitchen
where there's sure to be a fight over how to obtain dinner, since neither of us feels up to going anywhere and the kitchen is empty
where I have to clean like a mad woman, despite the pain, because my father in law will get here tonight
where I'm just plain frustrated and overwhelmed and irritable
I must find the strength to cope, to control myself so I don't create more problems. I'm not good at such things.
Monday, November 23, 2009
The Kids
I'm likely to talk about the dogs a lot here, and I don't post a lot of pictures. So now seems like a good time to describe them all and post some pictures of my babies.
Judy just doesn't do photos, so this is the best I can do. Seriously, she knows when I switch my phone to camera mode and runs off. She's very sweet, loves to cuddle, is good for spooning at night when I'm alone. She lacks common sense (terrified of the vacuum, won't move when you're sweeping and will just let you sweep her), but is very clever. She thinks that sitting will get her anything she wants - attention, food, being let go to go chase that cat. She can escape from anything. Seriously, anything. She twice threw the pan out of her crate from inside the crate. One time she ate half of it, threw out half, and pulled the curtain rod out of the wall from inside her crate. She's kinda crazy. But, she's very loving, and if you need to know whether someone closed a car door two blocks away, she's your gal.
That's Loki, with Scrappy AKA Baby Girl AKA hellhound behind him. Loki is M's angel. He's pretty mellow most of the time, but whines if he sees you or an animal outside. He's pretty obedient to M, not so much to me. Poor thing has had multiple knee surgeries and melanoma removed from his face, plus demodex (sp?) that doesn't really respond to treatment and causes his fur to fall out in clumps. He and Buck made fast friends. Scrappy is another escape artist and absolutely destroyed M's old place, so we're keeping her on a figurative short leash. What is is about boy dogs being so good and girls being, well, bitches? Judy is little miss dominant and Scrappy is little miss chaos. She's another sweety, loves attention, but watch out if she's not getting enough of it!
M's dogs are both about 8 and mine are both about 5, so with some luck, knock on wood, we'll have them all for awhile to come. Mine are both 50-55 pounds, loki is 60-70, and scrappy is 30-35, so that's a lot of dogs! they're all used to sleeping in bed with people, but loki can't get up on my bed with his knees (i have a tall bedframe and a pillowtop mattress, so it's pretty high up) and scrappy sleeps in her crate, so we only have 110 pounds of dog at night, thank goodness. Judy is pretty iffy with other dogs, and Loki is a little dominant too, but luckily they've all gotten along pretty damn well, with just an occasional minor fight. There's a lot of humping, but dogs will be dogs. They even eat close together without problems, which surprised me. I'm so relieved that they get on so well; I don't know what we would have done if they didnt. Now if we could just keep them off the couch when we're not looking and keep the girls from finding ways out of the fence when we get that finished, we'll be good.
Told ya I could go on and on about my kids!
This is Buck. He's my angel, my first born. He's super sweet and recently become a little cuddlebug. He liiiives for food and being told that he's a good boy. That tail is almost always wagging. He loves chasing toys and wrestling with me or other dogs. He's the only one of the 4 that we trust enough to take out off leash. I can't really say anything bad about him.
M's dogs are both about 8 and mine are both about 5, so with some luck, knock on wood, we'll have them all for awhile to come. Mine are both 50-55 pounds, loki is 60-70, and scrappy is 30-35, so that's a lot of dogs! they're all used to sleeping in bed with people, but loki can't get up on my bed with his knees (i have a tall bedframe and a pillowtop mattress, so it's pretty high up) and scrappy sleeps in her crate, so we only have 110 pounds of dog at night, thank goodness. Judy is pretty iffy with other dogs, and Loki is a little dominant too, but luckily they've all gotten along pretty damn well, with just an occasional minor fight. There's a lot of humping, but dogs will be dogs. They even eat close together without problems, which surprised me. I'm so relieved that they get on so well; I don't know what we would have done if they didnt. Now if we could just keep them off the couch when we're not looking and keep the girls from finding ways out of the fence when we get that finished, we'll be good.
Told ya I could go on and on about my kids!
"The first year is the hardest"
I think having gone from a long distance couple to a married couple living together is much more difficult than it would have been if we lived together before or at least in the same town. Things we do that annoy the other person now happen every day, instead of a couple days a month. The house is both of ours, so we both have opinions as to how things should work, where things should go, etc, where before whoever was visiting just respected the "rules" of the other, since it was that person's place.
we're still trying to figure out who pays what - we treat bills we already has as individual bills, butu I also pay the medical bills I'm accumulating, which is difficult without a job. M still hasn't finished moving out of his old place, and the first mortgage payment is due next month, so I guess we'll be paying for two places when money is already tight, not to mention two power bills, the cable is still on over there, yada yada. We also treat the dogs as really belonging to one person, and thus making one person responsible for vet bills. Buck is overdue for his shots and exam, and Loki (M's) has a mass on his ribcage that really ought to be checked out. There's a lot of stress.
We're both kind of irritable right now, M because he's stressed (but then, he always is) and me because I'm physically in pain and feeling kind of neglected and frustrated. So we grate on each other, making us more irritable, in a vicious cycle. A friend of mine got married a few weeks after me to his live-in girl, and marriage has been a breeze for them despite economic stress. They sorted out all the little daily details of who does what, how bills get paid, visions for the future and whatnot while they were living together before marriage. I guess that's why I'm seeing a difference with us and thinking that nto having that opportunity before is making things more stressful.
I don't want to be Negative Nelly. I love M with all my heart and there's a lot of great things about our life together. It's just not the fairy tale I expected to have as soon as we walked down the aisle, and I guess that's my fault for having unrealistic expectations about it.
M's dad is popping in late tomorrow night before we head to the brother-in-law's for turkey day. It's nice to have him around; I get a little isolated here sometimes. And he'll help a lot with things that need to be done, which there's still a lot of. We still have blinds and curtains to hang, shower rods to put up, and I'm always willing to accept help with cleaning. He really wants to use the time wisely, which can be a little stressful when I can't keep going going going all day like he can. But I enjoy being around him, and in a couple days I get to see the rest of the in laws and spend time with my little nephews, who are 1 and 5. Then my folks are driving down for Christmas. Plus, our birthdays are both about a week after Thanksgiving, and M's mom wants to come for that. We've got a busy month ahead with a lot of guests and time with relatives, many of whom we haven't seen since the wedding in June.
I check back in with my surgeon tomorrow. I think I'm healing pretty well, but I've still got a long road ahead, even in the best of circumstances. I'm getting used to doing what I have to do to care for the wound (which I wasn't sure I'd be able to do, and M is pretty sure that he couldn't, so I'd be kind of screwed). I guess that's just how I operate, I find strength I didn't know I had when I need it. I like to think I'm stoic and independent, but I know I'm really not. I require frequent hugs.
we're still trying to figure out who pays what - we treat bills we already has as individual bills, butu I also pay the medical bills I'm accumulating, which is difficult without a job. M still hasn't finished moving out of his old place, and the first mortgage payment is due next month, so I guess we'll be paying for two places when money is already tight, not to mention two power bills, the cable is still on over there, yada yada. We also treat the dogs as really belonging to one person, and thus making one person responsible for vet bills. Buck is overdue for his shots and exam, and Loki (M's) has a mass on his ribcage that really ought to be checked out. There's a lot of stress.
We're both kind of irritable right now, M because he's stressed (but then, he always is) and me because I'm physically in pain and feeling kind of neglected and frustrated. So we grate on each other, making us more irritable, in a vicious cycle. A friend of mine got married a few weeks after me to his live-in girl, and marriage has been a breeze for them despite economic stress. They sorted out all the little daily details of who does what, how bills get paid, visions for the future and whatnot while they were living together before marriage. I guess that's why I'm seeing a difference with us and thinking that nto having that opportunity before is making things more stressful.
I don't want to be Negative Nelly. I love M with all my heart and there's a lot of great things about our life together. It's just not the fairy tale I expected to have as soon as we walked down the aisle, and I guess that's my fault for having unrealistic expectations about it.
M's dad is popping in late tomorrow night before we head to the brother-in-law's for turkey day. It's nice to have him around; I get a little isolated here sometimes. And he'll help a lot with things that need to be done, which there's still a lot of. We still have blinds and curtains to hang, shower rods to put up, and I'm always willing to accept help with cleaning. He really wants to use the time wisely, which can be a little stressful when I can't keep going going going all day like he can. But I enjoy being around him, and in a couple days I get to see the rest of the in laws and spend time with my little nephews, who are 1 and 5. Then my folks are driving down for Christmas. Plus, our birthdays are both about a week after Thanksgiving, and M's mom wants to come for that. We've got a busy month ahead with a lot of guests and time with relatives, many of whom we haven't seen since the wedding in June.
I check back in with my surgeon tomorrow. I think I'm healing pretty well, but I've still got a long road ahead, even in the best of circumstances. I'm getting used to doing what I have to do to care for the wound (which I wasn't sure I'd be able to do, and M is pretty sure that he couldn't, so I'd be kind of screwed). I guess that's just how I operate, I find strength I didn't know I had when I need it. I like to think I'm stoic and independent, but I know I'm really not. I require frequent hugs.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
in sickness and in health
I'm always writing posts in my head and never get around to actually putting them online, so I guess that's why I'm on writing overload now.
It was very important to me to include "in sickess and in health" in my wedding vows. To be blunt, my body hates me. I've had 5 surgeries and 7 procedures that required putting me out in under two years, plus another procedure with local anesthesia, and a case of MRSA (drug resistant staph infection). I almost made it a year without a surgery. I've had two doctors screw up in ways that required another surgery to fix.
On top of those things, I have a lot of chronic pain and energy issues. I have migraines, which have been known to last an entire month. Thankfully, I found a neurologist in law school that got me on the right meds to control them pretty well, and found a drug that helps me get rid of them. They don't last so long anymore. I still have chronic daily headache that I live with, as well as back and joint pain. I'm prone to catching whatever bug is going around, and I had two sinus infections in law school (never had one before that). I'm not kidding when I say my body hates me.
I spend a lot of money on copays for the doctor, copays for medication, and now that I'm on a PPO, my share of what the physician charges. I'm terrified to find out how much I'm going to owe for this surgery. It was to remove a cyst that will continue to recur unless cut out and the wound left open to heal itself. It's not fun. There's still a 20% chance of recurrence. Still, I'm hopeful that the pain I'm going through now will save me a lot of pain in the future.
I went through the first couple surgeries alone - literally finding someone willing to drop me off and pick me up. M has now been with me through two, and my dad through one surgery, one spinal tap, and one other procedure involving knocking me out. My men take good care of me, though M doesn't think of things like making sure I have something easy to eat. Sometimes I'm afraid that he'll get sick of dealing with my sickness, of things I can't do because I don't feel well enough. I fear that he thinks I'm a hyperchondriac, or that I'm just a big baby (like he is when he gets sick lol). I worry about whether I'll be physically able to handle pregnancy, then children, and whether I'll pass these conditions on to them. Mostly, when it comes to my health, I worry that it's never going to get better. It can be hard to keep positive. But I have to remember that I don't have anything life threatening, that I've found ways to deal with some of my issues, and that I'm now seeing a doctor who seems to genuinely care and finds solutions for me.
So, it is what it is. I think my struggles have made me a stronger, more compassionate person. I understand pain. I've done things I wasn't supposed to be able to do (aka make it through law school). Yes, this puts a certain amount of pressure on my marriage, but we both signed up for this. We promised to love one another and be there, in sickness and in health.
It was very important to me to include "in sickess and in health" in my wedding vows. To be blunt, my body hates me. I've had 5 surgeries and 7 procedures that required putting me out in under two years, plus another procedure with local anesthesia, and a case of MRSA (drug resistant staph infection). I almost made it a year without a surgery. I've had two doctors screw up in ways that required another surgery to fix.
On top of those things, I have a lot of chronic pain and energy issues. I have migraines, which have been known to last an entire month. Thankfully, I found a neurologist in law school that got me on the right meds to control them pretty well, and found a drug that helps me get rid of them. They don't last so long anymore. I still have chronic daily headache that I live with, as well as back and joint pain. I'm prone to catching whatever bug is going around, and I had two sinus infections in law school (never had one before that). I'm not kidding when I say my body hates me.
I spend a lot of money on copays for the doctor, copays for medication, and now that I'm on a PPO, my share of what the physician charges. I'm terrified to find out how much I'm going to owe for this surgery. It was to remove a cyst that will continue to recur unless cut out and the wound left open to heal itself. It's not fun. There's still a 20% chance of recurrence. Still, I'm hopeful that the pain I'm going through now will save me a lot of pain in the future.
I went through the first couple surgeries alone - literally finding someone willing to drop me off and pick me up. M has now been with me through two, and my dad through one surgery, one spinal tap, and one other procedure involving knocking me out. My men take good care of me, though M doesn't think of things like making sure I have something easy to eat. Sometimes I'm afraid that he'll get sick of dealing with my sickness, of things I can't do because I don't feel well enough. I fear that he thinks I'm a hyperchondriac, or that I'm just a big baby (like he is when he gets sick lol). I worry about whether I'll be physically able to handle pregnancy, then children, and whether I'll pass these conditions on to them. Mostly, when it comes to my health, I worry that it's never going to get better. It can be hard to keep positive. But I have to remember that I don't have anything life threatening, that I've found ways to deal with some of my issues, and that I'm now seeing a doctor who seems to genuinely care and finds solutions for me.
So, it is what it is. I think my struggles have made me a stronger, more compassionate person. I understand pain. I've done things I wasn't supposed to be able to do (aka make it through law school). Yes, this puts a certain amount of pressure on my marriage, but we both signed up for this. We promised to love one another and be there, in sickness and in health.
men, babies...what's the difference?
After living with M, an ex, and as an adult in my father's home, I can only reach one conclusion: men are helpless.
I had surgery on Thursday. I spent Wednesday trying to make sure all my ducks were in a row before I was out of commission. This included putting a "clean" sign on the dishwasher so M wouldn't put dirty dishes in with the clean (again), picking up the glasses that every man I've lived with leaves all over, picking up clothes that get left wherever M takes them off (which is everywhere in the house, same with my ex. I don't get it). I put the bills he needs to pay on the fridge, and put more mail in the pile of his mail that he never goes through. I tried to get him to buy us some drinks (I'm broke, he has a job) knowing that things I could eat or drink quickly and easily would be much appreciated that following day.
I've said for a long time before we got married that M needed a wife. The men in my life don't clean anything. They don't even do full loads of laundry, just throw in enough outfits for a day or two. Dishes don't get in the sink. M doesn't do this, but others tend to leave empty boxes in the cupboard, resulting in me not knowing that we need to replace whatever food. They don't do full grocery trips either, just buy whatever junk food they want for a couple days. If they DO get useful groceries, they sure suck at putting them away in the right spots. It's very strange to me. Every man I've ever lived with never knows were anything is; they always have to ask me and I always know the answer. I'm the one that knows when trash day is - and makes sure the trash gets out. I'm the only one that realizes we need more toilet paper or paper towels.
Seriously, how do single men survive?
Don't get me wrong; I love M, I love my dad, and at one time I loved that ex. And I signed up for this, and frankly, being the one that deals with all these day to day things gives me a certain amount of power over the household. But...wow. I just throught this would be a humerous commentary for other women who sometimes feel like their SO's mommy. Lord help me if M ever reads this ;)
I had surgery on Thursday. I spent Wednesday trying to make sure all my ducks were in a row before I was out of commission. This included putting a "clean" sign on the dishwasher so M wouldn't put dirty dishes in with the clean (again), picking up the glasses that every man I've lived with leaves all over, picking up clothes that get left wherever M takes them off (which is everywhere in the house, same with my ex. I don't get it). I put the bills he needs to pay on the fridge, and put more mail in the pile of his mail that he never goes through. I tried to get him to buy us some drinks (I'm broke, he has a job) knowing that things I could eat or drink quickly and easily would be much appreciated that following day.
I've said for a long time before we got married that M needed a wife. The men in my life don't clean anything. They don't even do full loads of laundry, just throw in enough outfits for a day or two. Dishes don't get in the sink. M doesn't do this, but others tend to leave empty boxes in the cupboard, resulting in me not knowing that we need to replace whatever food. They don't do full grocery trips either, just buy whatever junk food they want for a couple days. If they DO get useful groceries, they sure suck at putting them away in the right spots. It's very strange to me. Every man I've ever lived with never knows were anything is; they always have to ask me and I always know the answer. I'm the one that knows when trash day is - and makes sure the trash gets out. I'm the only one that realizes we need more toilet paper or paper towels.
Seriously, how do single men survive?
Don't get me wrong; I love M, I love my dad, and at one time I loved that ex. And I signed up for this, and frankly, being the one that deals with all these day to day things gives me a certain amount of power over the household. But...wow. I just throught this would be a humerous commentary for other women who sometimes feel like their SO's mommy. Lord help me if M ever reads this ;)
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