Updates

My uncle officially had a massive heart attack. Thank God he's doing better than expected. We don't know what will happen next, with the surgeries he needs but is too weak to have, or when he'll be released. But so far, so good. That's as much as you can as for.

They've built a new wing at the hospital, so my dad and aunt didn't have to go to the same ICU where they essentially lost my grandmother. I also was concerned that this might remind my dad of his father, who had several heart attacks which ultimately killed him. Luckily, that hadn't occurred to my dad. Hopefully I didn't get the idea stuck in his head.

We put up our tree tonight. Well, I did, with M and his mom giving input. It's blue and silver, in homage to my Jewish stepmom, and looks lovely. We managed to get a few shots of Loki in the antlers. In past years I've sent out Christmas cards with Buck in antlers, but he won't play along this year.

M's mom is leaving tomorrow, which is sad. We had a nice little productive day today, running some errands, putting some photos in frames printed off the computer (they look great!) and getting the tree up. I'm feeling a little manic now and thinking off a bunch of thigns I want to do, but I'll be off to bed soon.

M's fishing buddy's family had invited M to go to the Gator Bowl with them, being hardcore FSU fans. As long as M spends the night before with me and doesn't have to shell out a ton of money, I can't really complain. I'll miss him during his brief stay in Jax, but it'll be really nice for him. The game sold out in two hours, so he's lucky. I wish I could go to Pasadena!

I go back to the surgeon tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be all good news. Wish me luck!

It just keeps getting better

Don't read this if you're easily super-grossed out or queasy. I don't know how to do a cut, so....sorry!




I mentioned earlier my sucky, gross open wound. I change the dressing as often as I can stand it, but apparently, the smell of the leakage (blood, and fluids related to the body forming nice healthy new cells in the wound) is bad enough to make my husband puke when he tries to hug me. FML.

Here's the gory details of the surgery, if youre interested: (run now, if you're not)




I had a pilonidal cyst that kept recurring, as they tend to do. These cysts develop around the buttcrack when hair or skin causes what's basically an abcess. I had it removed by the dermatologist in August, but he didn't know what it was and he closed it back up. This tends to cause them to recur, which it did shortly after getting the stitches out, and this time it didnt go away. So my family practitioner referred me to a surgeon, and before I knew it I was scheduled for surgery. There's only a 20% recurrence rate if you leave them open to heal from the inside out. Unfortunately, this is about a two month process, then another year or so for the scar to continue configuring itself. So I can't sit down normally because it hurts (my cyst is near the top of my buttcrack, luckily not directly over the tailbone; they can go as deep as the bone) and I have to sit on something so I don't leak. They're supposed to leak blood and exudate, which is secreted as the body heals the wound. I can already tell it's gotten smaller. I have to pack the wound myself twice a day (good thing I can do it myself, cause M wouldn't be able to), which is no fun, and now that I'm in a very bloody phase, I have to change the dressing over the wound as well as my pants multiple times a day. I can't wear jeans, only pants loose around the butt. Unfortunately, old blood stinks, as does the exudate. The more time I'm upright, the worse the leaking gets; walking around along time like during my shopping trip with M's mom last week is painful, and I end up with a big, noticeable wet spot on my butt. Very embarassing. I'm still paying the dermotologist that treated the cyst the wrong way; now, I'm getting the bill from the surgeon, 10K for the hospital and lab and pharamacy, and I'm sure a bill from the anesthesiologist and possibly for the nurses is forthcoming. This will all be worth it a year from now if the cyst, which leaks itself and becomes painful, hasn't recurred.

In the meantime, it's very embarassing, inconvenient, and uncomfortable.

"The first year is the hardest"

I think having gone from a long distance couple to a married couple living together is much more difficult than it would have been if we lived together before or at least in the same town. Things we do that annoy the other person now happen every day, instead of a couple days a month. The house is both of ours, so we both have opinions as to how things should work, where things should go, etc, where before whoever was visiting just respected the "rules" of the other, since it was that person's place.

we're still trying to figure out who pays what - we treat bills we already has as individual bills, butu I also pay the medical bills I'm accumulating, which is difficult without a job. M still hasn't finished moving out of his old place, and the first mortgage payment is due next month, so I guess we'll be paying for two places when money is already tight, not to mention two power bills, the cable is still on over there, yada yada. We also treat the dogs as really belonging to one person, and thus making one person responsible for vet bills. Buck is overdue for his shots and exam, and Loki (M's) has a mass on his ribcage that really ought to be checked out. There's a lot of stress.

We're both kind of irritable right now, M because he's stressed (but then, he always is) and me because I'm physically in pain and feeling kind of neglected and frustrated. So we grate on each other, making us more irritable, in a vicious cycle. A friend of mine got married a few weeks after me to his live-in girl, and marriage has been a breeze for them despite economic stress. They sorted out all the little daily details of who does what, how bills get paid, visions for the future and whatnot while they were living together before marriage. I guess that's why I'm seeing a difference with us and thinking that nto having that opportunity before is making things more stressful.

I don't want to be Negative Nelly. I love M with all my heart and there's a lot of great things about our life together. It's just not the fairy tale I expected to have as soon as we walked down the aisle, and I guess that's my fault for having unrealistic expectations about it.

M's dad is popping in late tomorrow night before we head to the brother-in-law's for turkey day. It's nice to have him around; I get a little isolated here sometimes. And he'll help a lot with things that need to be done, which there's still a lot of. We still have blinds and curtains to hang, shower rods to put up, and I'm always willing to accept help with cleaning. He really wants to use the time wisely, which can be a little stressful when I can't keep going going going all day like he can. But I enjoy being around him, and in a couple days I get to see the rest of the in laws and spend time with my little nephews, who are 1 and 5. Then my folks are driving down for Christmas. Plus, our birthdays are both about a week after Thanksgiving, and M's mom wants to come for that. We've got a busy month ahead with a lot of guests and time with relatives, many of whom we haven't seen since the wedding in June.

I check back in with my surgeon tomorrow. I think I'm healing pretty well, but I've still got a long road ahead, even in the best of circumstances. I'm getting used to doing what I have to do to care for the wound (which I wasn't sure I'd be able to do, and M is pretty sure that he couldn't, so I'd be kind of screwed). I guess that's just how I operate, I find strength I didn't know I had when I need it. I like to think I'm stoic and independent, but I know I'm really not. I require frequent hugs.

in sickness and in health

I'm always writing posts in my head and never get around to actually putting them online, so I guess that's why I'm on writing overload now.

It was very important to me to include "in sickess and in health" in my wedding vows. To be blunt, my body hates me. I've had 5 surgeries and 7 procedures that required putting me out in under two years, plus another procedure with local anesthesia, and a case of MRSA (drug resistant staph infection). I almost made it a year without a surgery. I've had two doctors screw up in ways that required another surgery to fix.

On top of those things, I have a lot of chronic pain and energy issues. I have migraines, which have been known to last an entire month. Thankfully, I found a neurologist in law school that got me on the right meds to control them pretty well, and found a drug that helps me get rid of them. They don't last so long anymore. I still have chronic daily headache that I live with, as well as back and joint pain. I'm prone to catching whatever bug is going around, and I had two sinus infections in law school (never had one before that). I'm not kidding when I say my body hates me.

I spend a lot of money on copays for the doctor, copays for medication, and now that I'm on a PPO, my share of what the physician charges. I'm terrified to find out how much I'm going to owe for this surgery. It was to remove a cyst that will continue to recur unless cut out and the wound left open to heal itself. It's not fun. There's still a 20% chance of recurrence. Still, I'm hopeful that the pain I'm going through now will save me a lot of pain in the future.

I went through the first couple surgeries alone - literally finding someone willing to drop me off and pick me up. M has now been with me through two, and my dad through one surgery, one spinal tap, and one other procedure involving knocking me out. My men take good care of me, though M doesn't think of things like making sure I have something easy to eat. Sometimes I'm afraid that he'll get sick of dealing with my sickness, of things I can't do because I don't feel well enough. I fear that he thinks I'm a hyperchondriac, or that I'm just a big baby (like he is when he gets sick lol). I worry about whether I'll be physically able to handle pregnancy, then children, and whether I'll pass these conditions on to them. Mostly, when it comes to my health, I worry that it's never going to get better. It can be hard to keep positive. But I have to remember that I don't have anything life threatening, that I've found ways to deal with some of my issues, and that I'm now seeing a doctor who seems to genuinely care and finds solutions for me.

So, it is what it is. I think my struggles have made me a stronger, more compassionate person. I understand pain. I've done things I wasn't supposed to be able to do (aka make it through law school). Yes, this puts a certain amount of pressure on my marriage, but we both signed up for this. We promised to love one another and be there, in sickness and in health.