in sickness and in health

I'm always writing posts in my head and never get around to actually putting them online, so I guess that's why I'm on writing overload now.

It was very important to me to include "in sickess and in health" in my wedding vows. To be blunt, my body hates me. I've had 5 surgeries and 7 procedures that required putting me out in under two years, plus another procedure with local anesthesia, and a case of MRSA (drug resistant staph infection). I almost made it a year without a surgery. I've had two doctors screw up in ways that required another surgery to fix.

On top of those things, I have a lot of chronic pain and energy issues. I have migraines, which have been known to last an entire month. Thankfully, I found a neurologist in law school that got me on the right meds to control them pretty well, and found a drug that helps me get rid of them. They don't last so long anymore. I still have chronic daily headache that I live with, as well as back and joint pain. I'm prone to catching whatever bug is going around, and I had two sinus infections in law school (never had one before that). I'm not kidding when I say my body hates me.

I spend a lot of money on copays for the doctor, copays for medication, and now that I'm on a PPO, my share of what the physician charges. I'm terrified to find out how much I'm going to owe for this surgery. It was to remove a cyst that will continue to recur unless cut out and the wound left open to heal itself. It's not fun. There's still a 20% chance of recurrence. Still, I'm hopeful that the pain I'm going through now will save me a lot of pain in the future.

I went through the first couple surgeries alone - literally finding someone willing to drop me off and pick me up. M has now been with me through two, and my dad through one surgery, one spinal tap, and one other procedure involving knocking me out. My men take good care of me, though M doesn't think of things like making sure I have something easy to eat. Sometimes I'm afraid that he'll get sick of dealing with my sickness, of things I can't do because I don't feel well enough. I fear that he thinks I'm a hyperchondriac, or that I'm just a big baby (like he is when he gets sick lol). I worry about whether I'll be physically able to handle pregnancy, then children, and whether I'll pass these conditions on to them. Mostly, when it comes to my health, I worry that it's never going to get better. It can be hard to keep positive. But I have to remember that I don't have anything life threatening, that I've found ways to deal with some of my issues, and that I'm now seeing a doctor who seems to genuinely care and finds solutions for me.

So, it is what it is. I think my struggles have made me a stronger, more compassionate person. I understand pain. I've done things I wasn't supposed to be able to do (aka make it through law school). Yes, this puts a certain amount of pressure on my marriage, but we both signed up for this. We promised to love one another and be there, in sickness and in health.