I'm sure that nobody has thought of my little blog in a very long time, but it hasn't sat right with me to leave it unfinished, so open. So this is it, the end of this blog and hopefully the beginning of something else.

Last June, just over a year ago, I left M. There were lots of reasons, and it's not fair for me to spill them here, where you only get one side of the story. Two months later, I came back to town, and we tried to work things out, or at least went through the motions. But the damage was done, and we'd probably each say that the other didn't fight hard enough. We spent six months going up and down, round and round, but ultimately decided to divorce, which was final in March.

I spent a lot of time focusing on how I felt M failed me as a husband. I'm now reaching the point of understanding how we both failed together, our mutual mistakes. My comfort is that when I get another chance with someone new, I will actually be the amazing wife I tried to be for M, and I'll finally get the true partnership that we never quite achieved. Life is learning, right?

neglect

Oh, poor little blog. I created you with the best of intentions, but life had other plans. I suppose theres only so many ways to say that I'm still grieving or that, wow, I did laundry today. I probably wouldn't read me if I didn't have to.

There's other things going on. It's time to start studying for my next crack at the bar exam. I get to go home this weekend and see my dad, stepmom, sister and niece. I'm working a bit. It's part time and doesn't pay well, but it's a little bit of income and keeps me out of the house. The trade off is its harder to find the time and energy to take care of the house like I want to. Pretty mundane stuff really.

There's other things going on, that people close to me are fully aware of. But they're not things I feel are appropriate to write about in such a public forum. So I'll have to keep it close to the vest a little more.

I hope things are going well for the rest of you in bloggyland. Maybe I'll see you again in a month and ahalf.

Boys are gross!

Not in the "ewww cooties!" way, but in the "wow, thats so gnarly I can't believe anyone can stand it. I might hurl" way.
Yes, it appears to be cleaning day for The Mrs. For the Mr., not so much. So far, I've done two loads of laundry, with more ready to go. I've done one big load of dishes, with another smaller load about ready to go. I've gathered up trash, thrown out old magazines, and then went for the gross stuff.

Have you ever cleaned a toilet a man uses? It's incredible. There's pee...everywhere. Around the rim, under the seat, under the lid, running down the outside of the bowl, on the floor. I mean...how the heck does he manage to do that? More impressively, how does he manage to stay so oblivious to the fact that he does that? I think my cousin says it best with her catchphrase: "That's so epic".

So my dear M, and any other man that may read this, please look at this photo and take this sign to heart:

Also, if you could take food out of the fridge before it rots, that would be awesome. Oh well.

Happy Easter!

learning how to grieve

I've been a very bad blogger since my mother died, and I guess its because Im overwhelmed with things I need to express. I'm unable to cry, though i frequently feel the need to. Rarely do I sleep more than 2 hours at a time. My body is breaking down in the process, and the house isnt as well cared for as it was a month ago.

I'll try to hit some of the "high points" before my brain simply shuts down and refuses to let me think about it. The whole thing is a mess - both the facts of what actually happened, and what I'm feeling. None of it makes a damn bit of sense and really sounds more like a Lifetime movie.

My mother's sister died on the 12th of a heart attack. She'd been on methadone for pain and other painkillers, and cared for by her father and stepmother. On the 15th or 16th, the stepmother offered the remainder of the methadone and pills to my mother. Yes, offered methadone toa a drug addict. My mother was high as a kite on the evening of the 16th, and her husband didnt know why (didnt know she'd been given such dangerous medication). She was found dead on the 17th. That methadone, in combination with other sedatives, has been determined to be the cause of death. I'm livid, and following up with the police. My mother was using again, but if she hadn't had methadone in the house, she would have at least seen the next morning.

It's strange how life goes on afterwards. The facbeook comments stop, people who know stop asking how you are when you talk to them, and everyone forgets. Except me, her husband, and maybe my sister. I feel guilt for my role in limiting our relationship, especially when I pushed her away recently because I was dealing with other things. I'm angry at her for the way she lived her life, and the decision to take the methadone and ultiamtely use it - and then Im guilty for that. Im full of regret for the relationship we can never have, the answers I can never get. The wondering why, what made her start using again, did it have to do with me? Confused by the woman with  angelic singing voice, who could be so caring and kind and good with kids, but could also abandon her own children repeatedly and tell cruel lies to them. I'm sad that she made it this far, was off the drugs for awhile, went to rehab 3 times (but never stayed) and noooow finally succumbs...and because a family member provided her with the means.

we had a memorial, informally...it was a mess. some relatives on that side are not good people. there was no real funeral, no grave...and for me, i think that makes things feel even more left undone.

i never had real experiencce with grief before. grandparents died only after being sick for a long time; some of them were so far from themselves that the death was a relief. nobody close to me has died suddenly, and certainly not like this. im not, by nature or as a result of having been abandoned as a baby, good at letting go of anything really, certainly not a figure this important in my life. i keep thinking "oh, she'd like this song" or wanting to talk to her and remembering I cant. I want to ask her questions about what happened for a moment before remembering i cant. its horribly uncomfortable, and i dont know if ive ever felt this kind of alone before.

Goodbye, Mary

I wrote a few months ago about my biological mother. After that, we talked a little bit through email, but then my life got complicated, and we didnt talk for a little while. We began talking again a few months ago.

Then came the bombshell.

Yesterday, she died.

We don't know why yet; it may have been a seizure or an overdose. The circumstances are awful. I'm still in shock. I wasn't prepared for this. Then again, how does one ever prepare for this?

My little sister, who has been completely estranged from out mother, is coming from Italy to get closure. I'll meet all the relatives on that side that I never met before, some of whom didnt know we existed. So I guess there's some positive to come out of this.

But mostly, it just hurts.

stuff!

ive been pretty quiet lately because i dont want to use this as my place to vent, and frankly theres been a lot more awful than good of late. some of it can simply be waited out, and some is going to involve a lot of pain, but one way or another I'll get through it. Eventually.

Apparently, I really enjoy writing about my productive days, because thats whats prompting me to post now. I didn't have bar review this morning, so I made good use of the time off, I think. (Ok, watching some of the lectures I missed migh thave been a better use of my time, but...). There were some issues with some medical equipment ending up where it shouldnt have been, so I contacted the company and hopefully it'll all be taken care of. I dealt with a couple bills that really couldn't wait any longer. I went out and got some lunch, during which I reviewed my bar review notes on corporations (ewww), then headed to get my allergy shot, then to meet with one of the children I'm a guardian ad litem for. that took longer than expected, and i didnt like what i heard, so after a drs appointment, i talked to some of the service providers on the case. i called my stepsister to wish her a belated birthday. let the dogs out, fed em, started dinner. did a ridiculous amount of dishes while dinner was in the oven. windex the kitchen counters and stove, the dinning room table,a nd the living room table. after i eat i plan to throw a pile of laundry in. so, all in all, id say ive been a pretty good girl.

i also made a drs appointment for tomorrow, which will waste a sleep-in day, but seems unavoidable. ive had a crud for amonth or so - sneezing, coughing, sore throats. none of them are severe enough to have caused me to go to the dr, its simply an operation of how long ive had them. it was necessary anyway due to some pain issues ive been having. my regular dr was booked til next week, so ill be seeing someone else. hope hes just as good!

wearin myself out

what a day. I've been super productive, which always makes me feel good. Even better, the husband is being helpful. I went to feed the mutts, realized we didnt have enough dog food for even one bowl, and called him. He asked me if I was calling to ask him to bring him dog food :) He was about to head out to Sam's and pick up a 50 lb bag anyway. I love it when he's helpful.

I changed the sheets on the bed and threw the dirty ones in the wash. Moved the comforter from the guest bed to our bed, seeings as its FREEZING. Changed out the pillows, put on the shams, put the new towels up in our bathroom. Folded a ridiculous amount of laundry and waiting to be able to throw a load in. Scrubbed the moldy pyrex, ran the dishwasher, scrubbed and washed the big dog water bowl, filled it up, chased dogs around the yard, vacuumed...I've been a good little girl! This after going to a mind-numbing bar review class for 4 hours then sitting in traffic trying to figure out how to get around roadblocks to get my allergy shot (didnt happen, doh).

Tonight is football night! I looooove football. Its nice to have something that I can share with my dad or M, no matter if we're not getting along at the time. And of course, the Tide are one of my teams. Thus, I'm nervous but super excited. Sure hope we win!

updates

Ive been pretty quiet lately. Not for lack of anything interesting happening I suppose, just havent felt motivated to write.

Christmas was nice. My parents drove down from VA and my stepbrother, who nobody ever gets to see, came up with his dog from south Florida. His dog quickly made friends with the boys, and Judy got over having another dog in her home quickly enough, thankfully. We relaxed until dinnertime, when we went over to my best friend's new house. There were 15 people there, between her and her husband's family and us. I haven't had a holiday that large in...ever? So it was nice. Good food with great people.

Present-wise, I got what I wanted. My dad gave me my watch (my last watch died months ago and Ive been going crazy not knowing what time it is ever since). M finally gave me a necklace (Ive been wanting one from him). My parents gave me some work out stuff for the wii (that I asked for). M gave me my late birthday present, a warm-up-in-the-microwave bear wearing a crimson tide sweater that I saw advertised on facebook and started begging for. His family sent over useful stuff for the house. Not a bad catch at all.

My folks decided to pay for me to take the bar exam again, including a review course. I haaaaate the course (way too ADHD to sit for a 4 hour lecture) and I wasn't prepared to get started so soon, but its nice to hopefully have it overwith soon, and not have to pay for it. I was going to started a master's program this month, and I might try to do both.

M has been really helpful over the last week, which is really really nice. my parents are also going to give me some money to pay for my medical bills. my surgical wound is almost fully healed. so all in all, things are good.

Best of 09 - Day 29

  
    
  
 December 29 Laugh. What was your biggest belly laugh of the year?

Mine was recent. M and I were getting ready for bed, and he threw his clothes on top of the ginormous pile already on the bedside table (yeah, I dont know whats so hard about using the hamper, either...). The pile fell on the floor, already overloaded. He just made this face, then we both started laughing. I couldn't stop for the longest time, fueled by his reaction to the situation and then his reaction to me. Really, his clothes falling wasn't that damn funny, but everything surrounding it was.

Best of 09 - Day 27

  
    
  
 December 27 Social web moment. Did you meet someone you used to only know from her blog? Did you discover Twitter?

I did discover Twitter this year! For a long time, I said "tweets are for twits", but gradually I've found it to be a good way to get timely news (and find out where the speed traps are every day!). I've also made some friends there; most of my Twitter friends are not also FB friends, so I'm kind of talking to different crowds when I post to either. I've met one good person from Twitter offline, and eventually I'll get around to going to some of the functions I hear about there.

Best of 09 - Day 25

  
    
   December 25 Gift. What's a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?
Another philosophical answer seems to be coming. I think the best thing I've given myself all year is forgiveness. Forgiveness for failing half the bar exam, forgiveness for not being able to find a job, forgiveness for my shortcomings as a wife, forgiveness for things I don't like about my body. Just generally giving myself permission to fall flat on my face.

I've also given myself permission to forgive others. Forgive people who have hurt me, forgive M when he upsets me, forgive the dogs for having an "on purpose" all over the kitchen, forgive my mother for not being the person she could have chosen to be, even if I don't understand it and it still pains me.

Forgiveness shouldn't be confused with laziness - "oh so you didn't accomplish anything today? that's cool, whatever." It's saying "you were tired today, and you didn't do as much as you would have liked. But you'll do it tomorrow, and the world will still keep turning". It's saying that its ok to be imperfect, to screw up royally, even hurt people sometimes, but you keep trying to be better.

Best of 09 - Day 24

  
    
  
 December 24 Learning experience. What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?

I keep wanting to apologize for writing about the wedding and being married and M all the time...but then, the blog IS called Learning to Live Together for a reason, right? My experience adjusting is the primary point, right? Right?

I think the biggest lesson I've learned, then, is that marriage is work. I don't know why that surprised me; I've seen that my dad and stepmom's marriage isn't all butterflies and unicorns. I mean, I knew that people say it's work, but I guess despite being able to repeat "marriage takes work" I didn't really buy in to it. I admit I had a bit of a romantic notion that love alone would be enough (well, love, and M having a job that pays the bills...). And the ugly, disappointing truth is that it's not.

Things get boring. And it takes work to try to do things to counteract that (see: M's birthday, earlier this month). Anyone you live with, especially when you share all your spaces (as opposed to a roommate) is going to do things that annoy you, and it's work to keep your irritation in check, and to discuss rationally the things you need to. Hell, it's "work" to bring yourself to say "I'm sorry" first. And sometimes, to take an "I'm sorry" when you're really angry and want to wallow in it a little bit longer. It's work just to maintain a household. The cleaning, the bills, agreeing on what goes where...it's all just not as easy as saying "I love you", moving in, and living happily ever after.

Sometimes it takes "work" - a conscious effort - to make sure there's times and activities where you can have fun together, where you can bond, where you can break up the monotony that so easily sets in when you're tired and stressed. It's a concerted effort to make sure you say "thank you" to let the other person know you appreciate the nice, helpful little things they do (like walking all the dogs, or doing the dishes, or taking out the trash). It's easy to start to feel like you're the one that does everythi8ng around the house or pays all the bills and like you're not appreciated. So it's really nice to hear it, and at a basic level, being told something is appreciated is the best positive reinforcement to get someone to do something again.

It's work to fight, its work to make up, I even say it's work to have fun! sheesh. But there's rewards for all that work, and that's why we do it.

Best of 09 - Day 22

  
    
  
 December 22 Startup. What's a business that you found this year that you love? Who thought it up? What makes it special?

I'm going to go with Canvas On Demand (www.canvasondemand.com). They take your photos and turn them into gorgeous canvases. I got one for free for doing vendor reviews on weddingwire.com, and then I got another at a major discount, I forget why. So, we have two gorgeous black and white canvases of wedding photos. They also sent us gift cards that we can give to friends or stack together to get another nice canvas for a ridiculously low price! The turn around was quick and the quality was high; I would definetely recommend them. 

Best of 09 - Day 21

  
    
  
 December 21 Project. What did you start this year that you're proud of?

Other than a marriage?
I think I'm most proud of myself for attempting the bar exam. I managed to stack the deck against myself - being in another state while studying which meant not being able to attend the review course and using an ipod instead, having a wedding and honeymoon during key study time, looking for a house, at one point looking for a sublet in Tallahassee so I could study in Fl and be near M, and packing up to move. I didn't pass the Florida-specific portion of the bar (luck of the draw, I got my worst areas of law. But I did pass the multistate exam. So I only have to take half of it whenever I can afford to try again (looking like next July...assuming I find a job before then). Delaying taking it til Feburary might have been the smarter option with everything I had going on, but I'm still proud of myself for taking it on and doing my best.

Best of 09 - Day 20

  
    
  
 December 20 New person. She came into your life and turned it upside down. He went out of his way to provide incredible customer service. Who is your unsung hero of 2009?

Woohoo, a VERY easy one. The best people that came into my life were David and Gina P. I don't know how we would have made the transition from me living in Alabama to this house in Florida without them. We're truly lucky to have become friends with them!

David works with M, I don't actually know how long. I first met him, I think, when we were dropping M's dogs off at their house to stay during the honeymoon. They have 4 dogs of their own and usually have some fosters, so they didn't blink an eye at absorbing two more dogs for a week.

David came to Alabama to help M load up the Uhaul with my stuff. We ended up being there all weekend because we couldn't get the truck completely loaded on Saturday as planned (it's hard to do that in 95 degree weather with craaaazy humidity). So he drove 6 hours on Friday after work, using his car, loaded Saturday and Sunday, then drove 6 hours Sunday. Sunday or Monday night, the boys unloaded the truck into David and Gina's garage. We didn't think the stuff woul dbe there too long...but it ended up being from early August to early October! They never once complained. They took care of my fish. And they offered to take Buck and Judy on until we had a house (M's place was too cramped for 4 dogs) so they wouldnt have to be boarded for an extended period. With their dogs, my dogs, and 2 fosters, they had 8 dogs!

The closest they ever came to complaining was after Judy busted the door to the office during a storm, I think. While there, Judy ran away twice and the dogs locked themselves in the office once. Plus, Judy was having a dominance contest with one of the fosters, causing fights. But they wouldn't let me board Judy.

To top it off, David helped M last weekend to try to finally get him moved out of his apartment.

Yeah, I'd say they qualify as unsung heroes!

Best of 09 - Day 19

  
    
  
 December 19 Car ride. What did you see? How did it smell? Did you eat anything as you drove there? Who were you with?

The best car ride (van, technically) was the 2.5 hour ride from the Montego Bay airport to Ocho Rios, Jamaica. There were all these gorgeous hills everywhere, with the wonderful architecture in the buildings. We spent the ride trying to figure out why the houses looked either incomplete or damaged. We passed all these little stores and jerk stands too small to eat inside.

If you've ever been to Jamaica, you know that people there drive like absolute loonies. So much worse than New Jersey, NYC, or even Maryland drivers. It's really a little bit scary. So that was an experience in and of itself.

It got dark during the trip, so after a point, all we could really see were the lit up stores/eateries. But before that, we saw cops pulling over a vehicle with ak-47s. We saw the tourist areas lit up and beckoning. Not entirely unlike home, I guess, but the feeling was different than most places I've been.

Of course, the best part of the trip was the anticipation of beginning our honeymoon, and having a week to relax and just enjoy one another without stressing out about everyday life!

Best of 09 - Day 18

  
    
  
 December 18 Shop. Online or offline, where did you spend most of your mad money this year?

This question tends to imply spending repeatedly at one place to make a large amount, not so much spending a lot at once, which is probably more the case for me. I'd say the house (duh), but none of that actually came out of my pocket. Then I'd say medical bills (I've spent $800 since Aug 15 out of pocket, plus medications), but that's not really shopping. I guess then the bar exam and bar review courses don't really count either.

I guess my final answer is Barnes & Noble. Tuscaloosa finally got one relatively recently, maybe last year? I've bought presents there, and of course, books for myself. Plus my phase of buying every bridal magazine I could get my hands on, even though my wedding was pretty much already planned, just to keep the excitement going. So I've probably spent a pretty good amount there. I much prefer B&N to any other bookstore I've been to. Unfortunately, the only one here in Tally is kinda far from our house, and Borders is muuuuch closer, so I guess books in the future are going to have to come from Borders or the internet. Phooey!

Best of 09 - Day 17

  
    
  
 December 17 Word or phrase. A word that encapsulates your year. "2009 was _____."

Changes, with a close runner up of insane. As you already know, this year involved graduating law school, getting married, living far apart with my husband, moving from Alabama back to Florida to my husband's overcrowded apartment, then buying a house, moving again, adding his 2 dogs to mine, and being unemployed and not in school for the first time in three years (I was either in school or interning during the summer in law school, so this is really the first time I'm at home all day).

I think  changes and insane are pretty good words for this year, no?

Best of 09 - Day 16

  
    
   December 16 Tea of the year. I can taste my favorite tea right now. What's yours?

Another very un-special question. Oh well. My favorite tea this year isnt a new one for me, but an "old" favorite. I love Arizona Stress Rx tea. It's yummy, and it does make me feel good to drink. I dont know if its because of actual soothing ingredients or just a taste that makes you feel good, but either way...I like it!

Best of 09 - day 15

  
    
  
  December 15 Best packaging. Did your headphones come in a sweet case? See a bottle of tea in another country that stood off the shelves?


Really? Packaging? My Taco Hell...awesome packaging!
Mkay, seriously...uh....I apologize to anyone who may have given me something in an awesome package that is currently slipping my mind. But really, I can't think of anything that was in any sort of special package. PASS! Sorry for clogging up your feeds with such drivel!