Boys are gross!

Not in the "ewww cooties!" way, but in the "wow, thats so gnarly I can't believe anyone can stand it. I might hurl" way.
Yes, it appears to be cleaning day for The Mrs. For the Mr., not so much. So far, I've done two loads of laundry, with more ready to go. I've done one big load of dishes, with another smaller load about ready to go. I've gathered up trash, thrown out old magazines, and then went for the gross stuff.

Have you ever cleaned a toilet a man uses? It's incredible. There's pee...everywhere. Around the rim, under the seat, under the lid, running down the outside of the bowl, on the floor. I mean...how the heck does he manage to do that? More impressively, how does he manage to stay so oblivious to the fact that he does that? I think my cousin says it best with her catchphrase: "That's so epic".

So my dear M, and any other man that may read this, please look at this photo and take this sign to heart:

Also, if you could take food out of the fridge before it rots, that would be awesome. Oh well.

Happy Easter!

Best of 09 - Day 24

  
    
  
 December 24 Learning experience. What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?

I keep wanting to apologize for writing about the wedding and being married and M all the time...but then, the blog IS called Learning to Live Together for a reason, right? My experience adjusting is the primary point, right? Right?

I think the biggest lesson I've learned, then, is that marriage is work. I don't know why that surprised me; I've seen that my dad and stepmom's marriage isn't all butterflies and unicorns. I mean, I knew that people say it's work, but I guess despite being able to repeat "marriage takes work" I didn't really buy in to it. I admit I had a bit of a romantic notion that love alone would be enough (well, love, and M having a job that pays the bills...). And the ugly, disappointing truth is that it's not.

Things get boring. And it takes work to try to do things to counteract that (see: M's birthday, earlier this month). Anyone you live with, especially when you share all your spaces (as opposed to a roommate) is going to do things that annoy you, and it's work to keep your irritation in check, and to discuss rationally the things you need to. Hell, it's "work" to bring yourself to say "I'm sorry" first. And sometimes, to take an "I'm sorry" when you're really angry and want to wallow in it a little bit longer. It's work just to maintain a household. The cleaning, the bills, agreeing on what goes where...it's all just not as easy as saying "I love you", moving in, and living happily ever after.

Sometimes it takes "work" - a conscious effort - to make sure there's times and activities where you can have fun together, where you can bond, where you can break up the monotony that so easily sets in when you're tired and stressed. It's a concerted effort to make sure you say "thank you" to let the other person know you appreciate the nice, helpful little things they do (like walking all the dogs, or doing the dishes, or taking out the trash). It's easy to start to feel like you're the one that does everythi8ng around the house or pays all the bills and like you're not appreciated. So it's really nice to hear it, and at a basic level, being told something is appreciated is the best positive reinforcement to get someone to do something again.

It's work to fight, its work to make up, I even say it's work to have fun! sheesh. But there's rewards for all that work, and that's why we do it.

Divorce

I was thinking this afternoon and I realized that my dad and my stepmom are the only people in my family to be divorced (not counting my mother's side...then the numbers change a lot).

My grandmother lost her first husband to war, but then she and my grandfather were together until his heart gave out, at least 25 years later. Their marriage was never happy, but they stuck it out together.

My aunt, my dad's sister, and my uncle (who was discharged from the hospital this week) have been married...forever. I'm pretty sure it's been at least 40 years. Their daughter has been married 14 years. My dad's brother never married, but has been seeing the same woman since before I was born (she's a Jehovah's witness, and he's not, so they can't marry under her religion).

My stepmom's parents were married for at least 40 years when her father died, having suffered a stroke some years earlier. I'm not sure how long my aunt, my stepmom's sister, was married before her husband died of a brain tumor, but it was at least 12 years.

My dad and my stepmom will have been married for 15 years in May, and have been together about 7 years prior to getting married.

It's weird to think about being with someone that long, about everything that changes, in yourselves, in the marriage, and in the world, over a long period of time. I hope that we're as lucky as most of my relatives have been.

Hump day

M and I had a nice little night. Most evenings, one of or both of us are on a computer and we don't really sit down together too much, especially right now while he's feverishly trying to fix his computer (and I'm watching So You Think You Can Dance).  But late last night, we watched Jesse Ventura try to argue that 9/11 was something other than what rational people know it to be (M's idea to watch, but I ended up getting kind of in to it). The nice part was debating it together afterwards - we both pretty much believed it was crazy, but we had a lively discussion about what parts are plausible and why some of the allegations are bullshit. Then we sat down together to watch Californication, a series we both enjoy and catch one of the reruns of every week. We got nice and cuddled up when Fast Times at Ridgemont High came on. I've actually never seen it, just a few clips. I was ready to go to bed and watch something else, but I was comfy and it was kind of amusing, and most of all, it was nice doing something together, even something little. So I stayed and watched all the way through with him.

It was a nice time. Then we went to bed, he accidentally made me crack up (to be discussed later in Best of 09), and I woke up to major cuddling. I like major cuddling.

Best of 09 - Day 9

 
  
    
  
 

December 9 Challenge. Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you?
The biggest challenge for me this year is of course becoming a wife. It's been wonderful, it's been difficult, it's been a lot of changes. I feel like I'm fully an adult now (not to mean that I've lost all my childish sense of wonder though).

Since this question focuses on the challenging part, I'm going to be a negative nelly and focus on the difficulties, not the beautiful parts of marriage. M and I, since we finally live together and must share the same space, have fought more than we ever have. We rarely seriously fought before; literally, maybe once a year or so. But now, there's more things to fight about. Where to put something, schedules, who should have what responsibility around the house. The biggest issue with this is that frankly, we're not very good at it. More than once one of us has given the other the silent treatment. Doors have been slammed, people have left...I'm not used to it, and it's ugly, and it stinks. Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart, only to feel all is right again as soon as one of us apologizes, either by words or by giving affection. We're figuring it out; the anger dissipates a lot faster than it did earlier. But I'm pretty nonconfrontational, and it's really hard for me when I'm angry and don't feel like I can talk to M about it, or when he's clearly upset and won't tell me why. I know we need to fight sometimes, but it seems like half the time we don't even remember why the fight started. It's been a major learning experience.

Additionally, I'm no longer making decisions that only affect me. And his actions no longer affect only him. Before I run up a credit card bill, I have to remember he's responsible for it now too. It directly affects me whether or not he pays the power bill on time (especially since the utilities are in my name, but he's the one with the money!) It's frustrating when I need him to do something, and he won't. I'm sure he feels the same way about me, when I do things differently than he wants them done. We've both spent so long on our own, that we're pretty set in our ways, and it's hard sometimes to meld our habits together. There have been times where we've both felt that we do all the work and the other person is a lazy bum. We're making efforts now to acknowledge what the other does, even if it's just a little thing, like saying "thanks" when he walks my dogs or him telling me that it makes his life so easier when I make dinner when he's tired after work.

That's where the second part of the daily question comes in I guess, the growth and being the "best" challenge. I've had other challenges this year that sucked, that didn't make me grow, ie right now healing from surgery just plain sucks. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but I'm plenty strong enough now, thanks. So even though these growing pains with M hurt and suck, we are learning, and trying to be better for one another. We're growing into a new area as a couple, and the feelings when we make breakthroughs, when he thanks me for getting something done, well, those are the best.

There is a distinct possibility that I'm a moron...

I was late to my surgeon's appointment, courtesy of a ridiculous parking situation in the garage at the local hospital where her office is. She still saw me quickly. I'm healing alright, but she thinks I'll do better with a vacuum dressing. Literally, I'll walk around with a vacuum on my ass at all times. Mmm....ok....sounds....interesting. I'll get it on tomorrow and hopefully, I'll be healed in a few weeks she says, which is much better than the mid-january timeline I had in my head. So, mixed news, but hopefully this will make life easier.

That's not why I'm an idiot.

After leaving the appointment, I went by the Public 8 miles or so frm our house (evvvverything is 8+ miles away, except Wallyworld, and I wasn't feeling masochistic). I found a chocolate chip ice cream cookie sandwich (whatever word order you'd like) cake and snatched it up, since they didn't have red velvet and M doesn't like much other cake. Got him a more sentimental b-day card than the one I gave him last night, and some little balloons on sticks that say "I love you" and "happy birthday" because there's was nobody to fill up a dozen orange and green helium balloons for me. By the time I left Publix, the cake was starting to melt. Cue "haha dumbass" in
3
2
1
The frozen cake doesn't fit in my...freezer. We have a side by side, and the freezer side is just too skinny for the cake. Even better, I managed to break two of the "Happy Birthday" candles I got cause 33 just seemed too many to fit on a cake. So it kind of says Happy Biltlday. Oops. So I dumped it in the fridge, hoped for the best, and called M to tell him to haul ass home as soon as possible, thus making him worry. #wifefail
Knowing me well, he eventually figured out that it must be food related, but he was planning on running some errands. Now, this was at 3:30. If he left work on time, he would have been home 20 minutes ago. I'm afraid to go check on the cake, just hope its not too melted. #wifefail

At least we got a $50 gift card from my stepsister to a restaurant, so we can go out tonight, or maybe try a local steakhosue that is running a 2 people for $30 promo, if only M gets home NOW!

Happy Birthday!

It's dear husband's 33rd birthday today! Unfortunately for him, he has to work today and his mom left this morning, so it might not be the most exciting birthday ever. Not that you read this, but I love you honey and I hope your birthday is wonderful!

He got his present from his mom on Saturday - a wii Fit Plus, and the resort game that comes with the wii motion thingamajigger. Last night he opened his presents from me. I got him the dreaded snuggie I teased him about (comes with a free reading light!) and the memoirs of one of the nazis that was involved in trying to kill Hitler; he doesn't read much, but he looooooves WWII history, so hopefully he'll get to enjoy it. He got a cute card from the dogs, and one from me that is a picture of Obama. He's a staunch Republican (federalist, if you get him on the topic) and I'm a bleeding heart liberal, so I thought it was pretty amusing. Him...not so much. He hasn't opened the card frm his dad yet or the one from my parents, but they both contain checks. So maybe he can afford to buy ME a birthday present! #husbandfail

He officially had his birthday dinner on Friday (Marie Livingstons, a local steakhouse. He loves him some prime rib), but hopefully we can find something a little special tonight, other than the leftover baked ziti from last night. If I can handle being in the car after my followup with the surgeon, I might find him a cake, though I don't know how I'll fit 33 candles on it...

Birthdays

Today was my birthday; Tuesday is M's. I have a longstanding tradition of crying on my birthdays. This year is apparently going to be no different. I thought it was going to be relatively unimportant "crying" - being upset at how the Redskins game ended (we were robbed!) but really, nothing big in the scheme of things.

Then, my stepmom called. She was on the way back from the hospital (immediately, I thought something was wrong with my dad). My uncle, my dad's sister's husband, had a heart attack and had be medivaced from one hospital to a better one. He's been supposed to have heart surgery for awhile, but has been too weak to survive it. He and my aunt both have a lot of health issues; I feel so bad for them. They did an angioplasty I guess and cleared some of the blockages, and now it's waiting for the cardiologist tomorrow. I assume he's in the same cardio ICU where my dad and aunt's mother went when she had her heart attack, that was essentially the same as a stroke; she languished in a nursing home for a couple years before dying, never recovering. My poor family, going in there. My aunt's son is several states away and not in a job that he can easily afford time off; her daughter is at a conference on the other side of the country and they haven't been able to reach her yet. I hope my uncle recovers well. The one upside to this is that it might help bring my dad and my aunt close again.

After I got off the phone and had a little time to think about it, it made me think about my future. One day, M or I is going to get really sick. I might have to take him to the ER with a heart attack, and spend the night in the hospital praying I get him back. Or he may be praying at my bedside. If we're lucky, we'll both stay free of serious, life-threatening illness until the other person is too senile to know it.

I'm also generally feeling sorry for myself today. Half of it is because of the surgery recovery; I'm still bleeding/leaking exudate constantly, to the point of having to change clothes repeatedly over the course of the day. This is expected and I know it means I'm healing...but it still sucks. Two weeks down, another month and a half or so to go. *sigh*

The other half is because of my mommy issues. The short version is she abandoned me as a baby, came back into my life several years ago, then proceeded to abandon me again. And now is acting like she's a victim. She's been around for exactly one birthday; she's been gone for 27 of them. And yes, I know I'm better off, that the way she's lived her life would have been toxic for me, and I have a stepmother that's been around since 1st grade who IS my mother. But my heart just can't buy in to what my rational brain knows.

Of course, lots of things about this weekend have been nice (not the least of which is Bama beating UF. ROLL TIDE!). My mother in law is here, and she and I went to Target Thursday and bought a lot of stuff we needed for the house, as well as birthday and Christmas presents. It's not about how much she spent (a lot) but the fact that she wanted so much to do things for us (and me, who isn't her blood and hasn't produced a grandchild yet). My father in law also called, as did my sister in law. Lots of friends and acquaintances wished me well. So there's lots of good...but right now what's important is my uncle.

Get better soon, Uncle Bob. I love you.

Best of 09 - Day 6

  
    
  


December 6 Workshop or conference. Was there a conference or workshop you attended that was especially beneficial? Where was it? What did you learn?
Seriously? This is the big birthday question?
Since I didn't attend any such thing, I'll write about what I wish I had attended, at least a little bit.

I do wish M and I had done some sort of couples program before living together - a church couples retreat, a workshop, couples counseling, whatever. There's so many little things that come up that we didn't think to discuss beforehand. Sometimes I feel like we have communication issues, that we don't know how to get our point across without putting the other on the defensive. I wish we'd had the chance to learn some mechanisms to deal better with our disagreements and to more comfortably air our concerns about one another.