Goodbye, Mary

I wrote a few months ago about my biological mother. After that, we talked a little bit through email, but then my life got complicated, and we didnt talk for a little while. We began talking again a few months ago.

Then came the bombshell.

Yesterday, she died.

We don't know why yet; it may have been a seizure or an overdose. The circumstances are awful. I'm still in shock. I wasn't prepared for this. Then again, how does one ever prepare for this?

My little sister, who has been completely estranged from out mother, is coming from Italy to get closure. I'll meet all the relatives on that side that I never met before, some of whom didnt know we existed. So I guess there's some positive to come out of this.

But mostly, it just hurts.

stuff!

ive been pretty quiet lately because i dont want to use this as my place to vent, and frankly theres been a lot more awful than good of late. some of it can simply be waited out, and some is going to involve a lot of pain, but one way or another I'll get through it. Eventually.

Apparently, I really enjoy writing about my productive days, because thats whats prompting me to post now. I didn't have bar review this morning, so I made good use of the time off, I think. (Ok, watching some of the lectures I missed migh thave been a better use of my time, but...). There were some issues with some medical equipment ending up where it shouldnt have been, so I contacted the company and hopefully it'll all be taken care of. I dealt with a couple bills that really couldn't wait any longer. I went out and got some lunch, during which I reviewed my bar review notes on corporations (ewww), then headed to get my allergy shot, then to meet with one of the children I'm a guardian ad litem for. that took longer than expected, and i didnt like what i heard, so after a drs appointment, i talked to some of the service providers on the case. i called my stepsister to wish her a belated birthday. let the dogs out, fed em, started dinner. did a ridiculous amount of dishes while dinner was in the oven. windex the kitchen counters and stove, the dinning room table,a nd the living room table. after i eat i plan to throw a pile of laundry in. so, all in all, id say ive been a pretty good girl.

i also made a drs appointment for tomorrow, which will waste a sleep-in day, but seems unavoidable. ive had a crud for amonth or so - sneezing, coughing, sore throats. none of them are severe enough to have caused me to go to the dr, its simply an operation of how long ive had them. it was necessary anyway due to some pain issues ive been having. my regular dr was booked til next week, so ill be seeing someone else. hope hes just as good!

wearin myself out

what a day. I've been super productive, which always makes me feel good. Even better, the husband is being helpful. I went to feed the mutts, realized we didnt have enough dog food for even one bowl, and called him. He asked me if I was calling to ask him to bring him dog food :) He was about to head out to Sam's and pick up a 50 lb bag anyway. I love it when he's helpful.

I changed the sheets on the bed and threw the dirty ones in the wash. Moved the comforter from the guest bed to our bed, seeings as its FREEZING. Changed out the pillows, put on the shams, put the new towels up in our bathroom. Folded a ridiculous amount of laundry and waiting to be able to throw a load in. Scrubbed the moldy pyrex, ran the dishwasher, scrubbed and washed the big dog water bowl, filled it up, chased dogs around the yard, vacuumed...I've been a good little girl! This after going to a mind-numbing bar review class for 4 hours then sitting in traffic trying to figure out how to get around roadblocks to get my allergy shot (didnt happen, doh).

Tonight is football night! I looooove football. Its nice to have something that I can share with my dad or M, no matter if we're not getting along at the time. And of course, the Tide are one of my teams. Thus, I'm nervous but super excited. Sure hope we win!

updates

Ive been pretty quiet lately. Not for lack of anything interesting happening I suppose, just havent felt motivated to write.

Christmas was nice. My parents drove down from VA and my stepbrother, who nobody ever gets to see, came up with his dog from south Florida. His dog quickly made friends with the boys, and Judy got over having another dog in her home quickly enough, thankfully. We relaxed until dinnertime, when we went over to my best friend's new house. There were 15 people there, between her and her husband's family and us. I haven't had a holiday that large in...ever? So it was nice. Good food with great people.

Present-wise, I got what I wanted. My dad gave me my watch (my last watch died months ago and Ive been going crazy not knowing what time it is ever since). M finally gave me a necklace (Ive been wanting one from him). My parents gave me some work out stuff for the wii (that I asked for). M gave me my late birthday present, a warm-up-in-the-microwave bear wearing a crimson tide sweater that I saw advertised on facebook and started begging for. His family sent over useful stuff for the house. Not a bad catch at all.

My folks decided to pay for me to take the bar exam again, including a review course. I haaaaate the course (way too ADHD to sit for a 4 hour lecture) and I wasn't prepared to get started so soon, but its nice to hopefully have it overwith soon, and not have to pay for it. I was going to started a master's program this month, and I might try to do both.

M has been really helpful over the last week, which is really really nice. my parents are also going to give me some money to pay for my medical bills. my surgical wound is almost fully healed. so all in all, things are good.

Best of 09 - Day 29

  
    
  
 December 29 Laugh. What was your biggest belly laugh of the year?

Mine was recent. M and I were getting ready for bed, and he threw his clothes on top of the ginormous pile already on the bedside table (yeah, I dont know whats so hard about using the hamper, either...). The pile fell on the floor, already overloaded. He just made this face, then we both started laughing. I couldn't stop for the longest time, fueled by his reaction to the situation and then his reaction to me. Really, his clothes falling wasn't that damn funny, but everything surrounding it was.

Best of 09 - Day 27

  
    
  
 December 27 Social web moment. Did you meet someone you used to only know from her blog? Did you discover Twitter?

I did discover Twitter this year! For a long time, I said "tweets are for twits", but gradually I've found it to be a good way to get timely news (and find out where the speed traps are every day!). I've also made some friends there; most of my Twitter friends are not also FB friends, so I'm kind of talking to different crowds when I post to either. I've met one good person from Twitter offline, and eventually I'll get around to going to some of the functions I hear about there.

Best of 09 - Day 25

  
    
   December 25 Gift. What's a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?
Another philosophical answer seems to be coming. I think the best thing I've given myself all year is forgiveness. Forgiveness for failing half the bar exam, forgiveness for not being able to find a job, forgiveness for my shortcomings as a wife, forgiveness for things I don't like about my body. Just generally giving myself permission to fall flat on my face.

I've also given myself permission to forgive others. Forgive people who have hurt me, forgive M when he upsets me, forgive the dogs for having an "on purpose" all over the kitchen, forgive my mother for not being the person she could have chosen to be, even if I don't understand it and it still pains me.

Forgiveness shouldn't be confused with laziness - "oh so you didn't accomplish anything today? that's cool, whatever." It's saying "you were tired today, and you didn't do as much as you would have liked. But you'll do it tomorrow, and the world will still keep turning". It's saying that its ok to be imperfect, to screw up royally, even hurt people sometimes, but you keep trying to be better.