I'm sure that nobody has thought of my little blog in a very long time, but it hasn't sat right with me to leave it unfinished, so open. So this is it, the end of this blog and hopefully the beginning of something else.

Last June, just over a year ago, I left M. There were lots of reasons, and it's not fair for me to spill them here, where you only get one side of the story. Two months later, I came back to town, and we tried to work things out, or at least went through the motions. But the damage was done, and we'd probably each say that the other didn't fight hard enough. We spent six months going up and down, round and round, but ultimately decided to divorce, which was final in March.

I spent a lot of time focusing on how I felt M failed me as a husband. I'm now reaching the point of understanding how we both failed together, our mutual mistakes. My comfort is that when I get another chance with someone new, I will actually be the amazing wife I tried to be for M, and I'll finally get the true partnership that we never quite achieved. Life is learning, right?

neglect

Oh, poor little blog. I created you with the best of intentions, but life had other plans. I suppose theres only so many ways to say that I'm still grieving or that, wow, I did laundry today. I probably wouldn't read me if I didn't have to.

There's other things going on. It's time to start studying for my next crack at the bar exam. I get to go home this weekend and see my dad, stepmom, sister and niece. I'm working a bit. It's part time and doesn't pay well, but it's a little bit of income and keeps me out of the house. The trade off is its harder to find the time and energy to take care of the house like I want to. Pretty mundane stuff really.

There's other things going on, that people close to me are fully aware of. But they're not things I feel are appropriate to write about in such a public forum. So I'll have to keep it close to the vest a little more.

I hope things are going well for the rest of you in bloggyland. Maybe I'll see you again in a month and ahalf.

Boys are gross!

Not in the "ewww cooties!" way, but in the "wow, thats so gnarly I can't believe anyone can stand it. I might hurl" way.
Yes, it appears to be cleaning day for The Mrs. For the Mr., not so much. So far, I've done two loads of laundry, with more ready to go. I've done one big load of dishes, with another smaller load about ready to go. I've gathered up trash, thrown out old magazines, and then went for the gross stuff.

Have you ever cleaned a toilet a man uses? It's incredible. There's pee...everywhere. Around the rim, under the seat, under the lid, running down the outside of the bowl, on the floor. I mean...how the heck does he manage to do that? More impressively, how does he manage to stay so oblivious to the fact that he does that? I think my cousin says it best with her catchphrase: "That's so epic".

So my dear M, and any other man that may read this, please look at this photo and take this sign to heart:

Also, if you could take food out of the fridge before it rots, that would be awesome. Oh well.

Happy Easter!

learning how to grieve

I've been a very bad blogger since my mother died, and I guess its because Im overwhelmed with things I need to express. I'm unable to cry, though i frequently feel the need to. Rarely do I sleep more than 2 hours at a time. My body is breaking down in the process, and the house isnt as well cared for as it was a month ago.

I'll try to hit some of the "high points" before my brain simply shuts down and refuses to let me think about it. The whole thing is a mess - both the facts of what actually happened, and what I'm feeling. None of it makes a damn bit of sense and really sounds more like a Lifetime movie.

My mother's sister died on the 12th of a heart attack. She'd been on methadone for pain and other painkillers, and cared for by her father and stepmother. On the 15th or 16th, the stepmother offered the remainder of the methadone and pills to my mother. Yes, offered methadone toa a drug addict. My mother was high as a kite on the evening of the 16th, and her husband didnt know why (didnt know she'd been given such dangerous medication). She was found dead on the 17th. That methadone, in combination with other sedatives, has been determined to be the cause of death. I'm livid, and following up with the police. My mother was using again, but if she hadn't had methadone in the house, she would have at least seen the next morning.

It's strange how life goes on afterwards. The facbeook comments stop, people who know stop asking how you are when you talk to them, and everyone forgets. Except me, her husband, and maybe my sister. I feel guilt for my role in limiting our relationship, especially when I pushed her away recently because I was dealing with other things. I'm angry at her for the way she lived her life, and the decision to take the methadone and ultiamtely use it - and then Im guilty for that. Im full of regret for the relationship we can never have, the answers I can never get. The wondering why, what made her start using again, did it have to do with me? Confused by the woman with  angelic singing voice, who could be so caring and kind and good with kids, but could also abandon her own children repeatedly and tell cruel lies to them. I'm sad that she made it this far, was off the drugs for awhile, went to rehab 3 times (but never stayed) and noooow finally succumbs...and because a family member provided her with the means.

we had a memorial, informally...it was a mess. some relatives on that side are not good people. there was no real funeral, no grave...and for me, i think that makes things feel even more left undone.

i never had real experiencce with grief before. grandparents died only after being sick for a long time; some of them were so far from themselves that the death was a relief. nobody close to me has died suddenly, and certainly not like this. im not, by nature or as a result of having been abandoned as a baby, good at letting go of anything really, certainly not a figure this important in my life. i keep thinking "oh, she'd like this song" or wanting to talk to her and remembering I cant. I want to ask her questions about what happened for a moment before remembering i cant. its horribly uncomfortable, and i dont know if ive ever felt this kind of alone before.

Goodbye, Mary

I wrote a few months ago about my biological mother. After that, we talked a little bit through email, but then my life got complicated, and we didnt talk for a little while. We began talking again a few months ago.

Then came the bombshell.

Yesterday, she died.

We don't know why yet; it may have been a seizure or an overdose. The circumstances are awful. I'm still in shock. I wasn't prepared for this. Then again, how does one ever prepare for this?

My little sister, who has been completely estranged from out mother, is coming from Italy to get closure. I'll meet all the relatives on that side that I never met before, some of whom didnt know we existed. So I guess there's some positive to come out of this.

But mostly, it just hurts.

stuff!

ive been pretty quiet lately because i dont want to use this as my place to vent, and frankly theres been a lot more awful than good of late. some of it can simply be waited out, and some is going to involve a lot of pain, but one way or another I'll get through it. Eventually.

Apparently, I really enjoy writing about my productive days, because thats whats prompting me to post now. I didn't have bar review this morning, so I made good use of the time off, I think. (Ok, watching some of the lectures I missed migh thave been a better use of my time, but...). There were some issues with some medical equipment ending up where it shouldnt have been, so I contacted the company and hopefully it'll all be taken care of. I dealt with a couple bills that really couldn't wait any longer. I went out and got some lunch, during which I reviewed my bar review notes on corporations (ewww), then headed to get my allergy shot, then to meet with one of the children I'm a guardian ad litem for. that took longer than expected, and i didnt like what i heard, so after a drs appointment, i talked to some of the service providers on the case. i called my stepsister to wish her a belated birthday. let the dogs out, fed em, started dinner. did a ridiculous amount of dishes while dinner was in the oven. windex the kitchen counters and stove, the dinning room table,a nd the living room table. after i eat i plan to throw a pile of laundry in. so, all in all, id say ive been a pretty good girl.

i also made a drs appointment for tomorrow, which will waste a sleep-in day, but seems unavoidable. ive had a crud for amonth or so - sneezing, coughing, sore throats. none of them are severe enough to have caused me to go to the dr, its simply an operation of how long ive had them. it was necessary anyway due to some pain issues ive been having. my regular dr was booked til next week, so ill be seeing someone else. hope hes just as good!

wearin myself out

what a day. I've been super productive, which always makes me feel good. Even better, the husband is being helpful. I went to feed the mutts, realized we didnt have enough dog food for even one bowl, and called him. He asked me if I was calling to ask him to bring him dog food :) He was about to head out to Sam's and pick up a 50 lb bag anyway. I love it when he's helpful.

I changed the sheets on the bed and threw the dirty ones in the wash. Moved the comforter from the guest bed to our bed, seeings as its FREEZING. Changed out the pillows, put on the shams, put the new towels up in our bathroom. Folded a ridiculous amount of laundry and waiting to be able to throw a load in. Scrubbed the moldy pyrex, ran the dishwasher, scrubbed and washed the big dog water bowl, filled it up, chased dogs around the yard, vacuumed...I've been a good little girl! This after going to a mind-numbing bar review class for 4 hours then sitting in traffic trying to figure out how to get around roadblocks to get my allergy shot (didnt happen, doh).

Tonight is football night! I looooove football. Its nice to have something that I can share with my dad or M, no matter if we're not getting along at the time. And of course, the Tide are one of my teams. Thus, I'm nervous but super excited. Sure hope we win!